Green eggs and ham!

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

One of my favourite people is moving on and another is hitting a major milestone – you could say they’re both on the cusp of change which I’m resisting…

Seems like the start of summer has always been full of change: the end of the school year, the start of a new summer job, a trip somewhere exotic and of course, the promise of a summer fling! These changes were always easy to accept, but as we age, it seems we move farther and farther away from these “fun” changes and approach different kinds of change – riskier change: do I risk a steady paycheck and quit my job to pursue my dream? Do I leave the man that’ll make a perfect husband and son-in-law and follow my heart? Do I pick up and move across the world to chase my destiny?

Another birthday comes, another candle is added onto the cake. Why is change so hard to accept? Is it the fear of the unknown? Does the law of physics have anything to do with it? (You know, an object in motion, stays in motion, and an object at rest stays at rest. However in this case, the status quo or the “known” is akin to the “rest.”) Is it sheer laziness?

Whatever their reasons, most people tend to resist change – and some with utter and abject vehemence. Like the other day, when I was rushing to get the kids to school – ok, truth is that with just several days to go to the end of school (at time of writing), I was late…waaaaay behind and I couldn’t be as I’d been chosen to be a parent chaperone on the 5 year old’s field trip! The bus would surely leave without us and then I’d have to find a way to make it up to him like having to bribe him with (again!!!) this gift or that and I’m seriously turning into the worst – parent – ever!!!

A furious man driving, as seen from behind the wheel. Shot using a very wide fisheye lens.

Anyway, we raced out the door, toaster waffles hanging out of our mouths, into the car, en route to school…only the intersection was blocked! So irritating! Didn’t we all learn in driver training that you are NOT supposed to block intersections?!!! While a couple of cars made way, one remained steadfastly put, despite having ample room to move. Suppressing my inner, road-rage-prone monster, I lowered my window and asked kindly, “Pardon me, sir? Would you mind moving a little forward and letting me through, please?” He snapped, “I’ve gone as far as I can! I can’t move any further!” Fortunately, he got dirty looks from all those around and moved up all the same, letting us through.

Why was he so opposed? Why are we all so resistant when faced with the impetus for change? Is it because we’ve just become comfortable with the status quo…even if that status quo became the status quo only a moment ago? Confused? Think of it this way. Imagine having to get across a stream. To do so, you have to jump from one rock to the next until you make it across. Each rock represents change from one to the next. When you’re preparing to jump you are most uncomfortable – most fearful of change – and as soon as you land, you are at once relieved and comfortable again. Change can be risky…you could land in the water and most situations in life aren’t so bad that you would actually fall in the water and drown. Most of us draw on ourselves to figure things out – to swim to the next rock, if you will.

So now, my one friend is reaching a major milestone and while I’m happy that she’ll now be in the same decade as me, she is also the last of our “Fantastic Four” to reach it. In a way, we have now all moved on to adulthood. If I think about it enough though, I no longer have to feel like she could still claim to be in her thirties when I couldn’t so that’s not such a bad thing, right? Pfft. But that’s really not what’s bothering me at all. I pretended like hitting that milestone was no big deal…but now that I’m in the decade – and becoming ever more entrenched – I’m not only facing change but fearing it!

My other friend is doing what I only dare to…in my dreams. She is moving her family halfway around the world to realize a goal that she set for herself – to rediscover and make a go of it in our homeland. To some, this seems crazy – I admit it did to me at first too – leaving the creature comforts of home, the routines, the stability and security for something completely different, new, and unknown. For me, all I can think of is the loss I’d feel of leaving behind my friends, my family, MY LIFE!!!

I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them here or there, I do not like them anywhere.

Like the stodgy, unhappy character in the famous Dr. Seuss children’s book who does not want to try something new like green eggs and ham, I admit it, I fear the unknown…I fear change. In particular, I fear the kind of change that is thrust upon me like, “You’d be perfect for this new job – c’mon you’d be a fool to turn it down!” (despite the fact that you weren’t looking and are enjoying being master of your own domain…) or “I know you like roller coasters…who cares if this one is higher than any you’ve ridden before, you’ve just gotta try it!” (despite the fact that while you love adventure, perhaps you prefer the kind with both feet on the ground…waaaaaaay on the ground.)

But just like the Dr. Seuss character…you’ve got to try it, because you just might find that you like green eggs and ham! Interestingly enough, one of the key traits that all happy people exhibit, aside from living in the present and trusting that everything happens for a reason, is that they all embrace change. So join me, let’s embrace change this summer!

Life’s too short to make up all sorts of rules for ourselves that keep us from realizing its full potential. Take a look around. What change have you been resisting? Why are you resisting it? What is the chance that you’ll slip and not land on that next rock? Will it be the end of the world as you know it? I mean, really? Then DO IT! If I can ride the Behemoth roller coaster at a peak height of 230 feet (despite my hypochondriac woes about dislodging some blood clot, popping a spinal disc, or having an instant heart attack), who knows, then perhaps being fully immersed in this decade isn’t so bad…and my other friend? Well, she’s just a plane ride and an email away…

13Apr2015

The story of Haji Khalil…my brush with Anne Frank

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

When I first read The Diary of Anne Frank, I couldn’t help but place myself in Anne’s shoes because her story, while so relatable to me as a young teenager, was also incredibly haunting and tragic. I could relate to her awkwardness around romance and friendships, to her sometimes easy and at other times trying relationships with her mother and sister, and her love of Hollywood. My awe of her also made me wonder about what it must have felt like to be an outcast, to have to go into hiding, to take such great lengths to survive only to end up dying in a concentration camp mere weeks before liberation and just shy of a sixteenth birthday.

I have read and reread the book over the years and each time, I sadly laugh at her antics, my heart swells when she finds companionship with Peter (the son of the other family in hiding), I grow tense and uneasy with every close call of discovery and then I’m horrified when I reach her final entry – the following line in particular:

“I’m what a romantic movie is to a profound thinker – a mere diversion, a comic interlude, something that is soon forgotten: not bad, but not particularly good either.”

Somehow her story always seemed unfinished. Each time I’ve read the book I’ve looked for missed clues or hidden passages as my mind simply can’t accept such an abrupt end to this enigmatic yet relatable person.

Despite her teenage angst and feelings of insignificance (who, after all, hasn’t experienced the same during their teenage years?) Anne Frank is one of the most recognizable “survivors” of the Holocaust, even though she, herself perished. Her story has left an indelible impression on millions, but for me, I’ve always felt a connection to her optimism and faith in the face of real adversity. As an Armenian and a descendant of genocide survivors still hoping for justice, I can relate to that optimism…that faith. But as a teenager, little did I realize that my connection to Anne would be greater than I could have ever imagined…

When the Armenian Genocide began in 1915, one of the earliest measures by Ottoman Turkish authorities was to collect the men in all of the villages and kill them. Notable politicians, businessmen, and the intelligentsia were rounded up and murdered – including my great-grandfather who was hung in front of his pregnant wife and four children. His only crime was that he was a successful Armenian businessman living in Ourfa, a province in Ottoman Turkey which was nearly homogenously Armenian.

While my great-grandfather had likely not foreseen his brutal death, he had made the necessary preparations should the family be faced with any unforeseen danger. His plan hinged on the willingness, courage and integrity of his Turkish business partner, Haji Khalil. Haji Khalil had promised my great-grandfather that he would take care of the family in the face of disaster and when disaster struck, he stayed true to his word and housed seven members of my family, including Azniv, my maternal grandmother, in the upper storey of his house for a year, unbeknownst to Ottoman authorities.

Haji Khalil cared for my family’s basic human needs by providing food once a night (which would have to last until the next day) and allowing them to bathe by arranging for his two wives and servants to be absent from the house once a week. When two of my relatives passed away, Haji Khalil even buried them in secret. Despite the immense potential risk to his own well-being, and that of his own family, Haji Khalil made good on a promise that he had made to my great-grandfather, an Armenian, and thanks to him, I am here today.

When I learned of the Armenian Genocide, I was quite young. The documented photos of the atrocities were extremely disturbing but the images that my mind would conjure based on the words I would read about this dark and horrifying period of my people, were even worse; the slashing of pregnant womens’ bellies, young Armenian girls throwing themselves and their children in the Euphrates to escape rape, mutilation and captivity, the slow starvation on the death marches. Speak to any Armenian today, and they will have a story for you.

My paternal grandmother’s story is more typical. Her father had been killed like most of the other men in her village. Ottoman Turkish authorities then came to evacuate my grandmother’s family and when my great-grandmother stopped them from entering her home, they killed her. Luckily, my great-aunt had been visiting that day and she grabbed my grandmother, her older sister, her newborn baby brother and fled from the back door of the house, unbeknownst to the authorities. During the marches, the Turkish soldiers became aware of the gold that my great-aunt had hidden in her clothes so they attacked her and as a result, it became my grandmother’s job to carry her newborn brother. At one point, Esther, my grandmother, had carried the body of her dead baby brother for two days during the death marches in the mountains from Erzerum to Marash in Turkey not realizing that he had died from malnutrition. It was a group of older women that informed her that he had passed and at just four or five years old, the same age as my youngest son in junior kindergarten, she buried her baby brother on the side of the road under twigs and some rocks. She was not as fortunate as Azniv – there was no Haji Khalil to save her family.

On the one hand I’ve always felt anger that my ancestors were subjected to such immense and cruel suffering simply because they were different – as Armenians, the lives of my ancestors had no value. That the Ottoman Turks could commit such a horrific act, such a crime against humanity, genocide, vilified them to me. On the other hand, there is the story of Haji Khalil. A righteous Turk, without whom, my own mother would not be here today – for that matter, neither would I. I owe him my life. This dichotomy has always been challenging but it has allowed me to stay strong, to demand justice and to have hope and faith that the people of a nation with a dark past, are capable of taking steps towards recognizing and taking responsibility for past faults and allowing two nations to move forward.

While Anne Frank’s father’s business partner had been like a Haji Khalil to Anne and her family, her salvation would not come and her life would end in tragedy. Unlike Anne, my grandmother and her family were not discovered and instead, the efforts of Haji Khalil allowed her to avoid death marches and concentration camps. Unlike Anne, the efforts of Haji Khalil allowed my grandmother to have a sixteenth birthday and to have a full and complete life surrounded by her mother, her children and grandchildren; she was able to pass along stories and traditions herself rather than through a diary. My grandmother passed away 10 years ago, in April 2005, just shy of the 90^th anniversary of the Armenian Genocide. On this centenary, I think she would be proud that my own faith and optimism are still intact as I do my own part in seeking more Haji Khalils…

2Mar2015

In recognition of International Women’s Day

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

While I know I promised to write more regularly, an incredible opportunity to speak at the Armenian Relief Society’s annual International Women’s Day luncheon, occupied every spare moment for the past two and a half months. From being buried in post-it notes full of ideas jotted down during all hours of the day…and wee hours in the night, to continuous editing and practicing in my car, in the bathroom, while cooking, and in front of any random and willing audience, I finally got it down. This speech was delivered on Sunday, March 1st, 2015. It is certainly geared towards a female audience, regardless, I hope all you readers enjoy it just as much as I enjoyed delivering it…

Good morning. I’d like to start by thanking the ARS (Armenian Relief Society) Rubina Chapter and today’s organizing committee for inviting me to speak at today’s luncheon. It’s really such an honour.

When the committee asked me to speak today, they said I could talk about anything and I thought…oh, my goodness! Where do I even start? You know, a year ago I decided to take a break from my career and spend some more time with my family while I figured out what to do with the rest of my life. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be standing here in front of you. But, with this opportunity at hand, I thought I’d talk about the challenges that thirty and forty-something women face in today’s world.

While it is a HUGE topic, I’ve distilled my very candid observations down to 5 major challenges that I believe young-ish Armenian-Canadian moms and women face these days: moms and motherhood (gotta talk about our moms), men (another must topic), the elusive work-life balance, one’s identity and what’s really important…you’ll find out. I wonder if some of my observations will hold true for you. Agree or disagree, let’s start relating!

Moms and Motherhood

Challenge #1. Our first glimpse of motherhood, comes from our own mothers. Moms, you inspire us, you teach us, you support us – in your own controlling – I mean loving way. My own mother is very smart, beautiful, talented, and very, very understanding…so understanding is she, that she’s not going to get mad or upset or offended by anything I’m about to say…right mom?

As a general observation, Armenians are very passionate people: we’re passionate about food, passionate about our causes and above all, we’re passionate about our families.

So in a culture where family comes first, it follows that our parents’ happiness means everything to us – their approval is nearly always essential and consequently, one can be quite vulnerable to any critique. If moms believe that they’re acting in our best interest, they don’t hold back. They’ll tell you what you should or should not be doing, saying, wearing, eating and even thinking!

I mean, I’m forty, and my mom is still telling me what to do! Not that being 40 really means anything because while I feel a lot more confident and self-assured, in some instances I’m still trying to be one of the cool kids. I feel like I’m in a kind of limbo: not old enough to be wise, and not young enough not to care. Not old enough for a cosmetic procedure, not young enough to not consider the prospect of a cosmetic procedure…am I too old to wear uggs?!

But I digress… Everytime I write a column for TorontoHye Newspaper, my mom and I have the following conversation,

[ARMENIAN] “Talyn, ayt eench keuradz eyeer terteen mech. Eench bedee gartze joghovourteuh? Antzial amseuvah hotvadzeut shad avelee lav er. Artyok, hoknadz e-yeer? Lav goodess? Tzezi hamar aghvor jash meuh yepem? Chem hasgeunar tzezi. Ays seroonteuh darper eh. Gyankeuh avelee arak eh. Mer adeneuh assank cher. Akh, aghcheegeuss, assee koo amenen tjouvar dareenereut en.”

[TRANSLATION: “Talyn, what have you written for the paper? What are people going to think? Last month’s column was much better. Could you have been tired, perhaps? Are you eating well? Shall I cook you a nice meal? I don’t understand you…this generation is completely different. Life is too fast – things were not like this when we were growing up. Oh, my dearest daughter, these are your most trying years.”]

Huh? How many of you have had this kind of conversation? How did we go from, I didn’t quite get this month’s column to these are your toughest years?!

When you’re young, it’s hard to understand why mothers do the things that they do. I gave my mom such a hard time because I thought MY life was difficult. Like the time I ran away from home for a few hours to my Armenian best friend’s house and promptly called my mother to let her know I was ok. My mom told me that she understood I just needed the space and most of all, that she loved me. I know now that she was probably falling apart inside. I also know this because every now and then she reminds me… Regardless, she stood by me. And I know she’ll always stand by me no matter what. So every time we have that conversation about my articles, she makes me strive more, reach more, and try harder. And I just hope that’s what my two boys remember when I’m mothering them!

Mothering Two Boys

Speaking of my two glorious, young and active boys. At this stage in their lives, we are their everything. But the time where parents are everything to their children is fleeting. So…with that in mind, I’m prepared to make sacrifices.

For example, I’m constantly having to go on “boy” adventures – I can see all you moms and aunties of boys nodding your heads – you know exactly what I mean. My kind of adventures are more like a night out on the town with my girlfriends or an exotic trip. Boy adventures, are like:

Clothing optional sumo wrestling
Or roughing it in the dreaded “North” full of mosquitoes with no restaurants, shops, and worst of all, without female companionship!!!!

It’s not easy being a parent. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual. They make you second guess your every move. I’ve resorted to begging, pleading, bribery, and even manipulation – some days, I hardly recognize myself. Unlike any other job, the job of raising our children is 24/7, forever, the stakes are infinitely higher and the pressure for perfection is omnipresent. For while we won’t be their everything for long, they will be our everything for all time.

So moms, grandmoms, and tantigs, we get it. Thank you for all that you’ve done and continue to do. Thank goodness, though, we don’t have to do it alone…which brings me to my Mr. Niceguy – better known as my husband and challenge #2.

Men

Men are an interesting breed: so even keeled and wonderfully objective – so long as they’re not tired, hungry or sick of course. Men (and boys) have such different priorities –underwear left in the middle of the floor or dirty socks left on kitchen counters is surely not the end of their world. For them, the end of the world looks more like a favourite soccer team losing a match – the sorrow of which is quickly forgotten with a deep fried or sugary snack of some sort.

When you’re getting married, the focus tends to be on the wedding, how you’re going to sign your name and officially moving out of your parents’ basement. Over time, real life will test you, will make you want to move back to the safe cocoon of your parents’ basement, but hopefully it will also transform your marriage into a real balanced partnership.

For example, I’m a bit of a dreamer and an optimist – Mr. Niceguy is logical and rational. Oftentimes, he refers to me as “passionate” – not that kind of passionate – his way of saying I’m a quick-tempered, headstrong Armenian woman. I’ve become even more passionate as a mother, particularly while trying to discipline our children who are not listening to a word that I’m screaming and when he materializes from thin air and begins to lecture me on the latest scientific research on parenting. Ya, I’m passionate all right.

In any case, accepting our differences has made us stronger. Just because I think that the Bachelor should stay friends with the bachelorettes he doesn’t give a rose to, and he thinks that that’s totally absurd, doesn’t mean we can’t get along. Men are certainly from Mars and Women are from Venus but we’re all living here together on Earth so I call a truce.

The Elusive Balance

Another balancing act we’re faced with today is work-life balance… the “Elusive Balance” – Challenge #3. Here’s what I’m going to say about this – and if I may be presumptuous, mainly for the benefit of those, like me, who are still seeking their balance: balance is what you make of it. There is no one formula. And while that may sound bewildering, it means that you can have a hand in its design – if you’re brave enough.

Striving for a career only to find that it interferes with your personal life is devastating…at least it was for me. That’s why I took matters into my own hands and am carving my own path – a path that likely would not work for someone else. Finding balance also requires help. On the career side, you absolutely need the right environment. You also need buy-in, you need to build your brand and your value to the point where you are supported to have more flexibility because losing you or replacing you would not be an option. On the family side, you also need support, and you need to dial back expectations…in my case, those perfectionistic tendencies. There will always be feelings of guilt – I wish I was more dedicated to my job, I wish I was more dedicated to my family. I wish I had the time to have a haircut, manicure and a latte in peace instead of freezing my butt off at an arena or constantly responding to the buzz of my Blackberry!

Finding balance and maintaining balance is tough. What’s great, however, is seeing so many women taking charge and courageously creating the kind of life that they want, rather than what someone else imposes on them. Bravo.

Identity

Challenge #4. Identity. What is your identity? How do you define it? Identity is influenced by a number of different things like your age, gender, language, history, religion, employment and so on. Identity is not static and is shaped and developed by you over time. And I believe, that at some point, we all stop and ask ourselves, “Who Am I?” I tend to ask myself this question when I’m up at two in the morning wondering if I’m ever gonna get my act together – and if my lack of sleep has anything to do with perimenopause or something – totally FREAKS me out…I think I’m having a hot flash right now!

Most women face a real identity crisis at some point. And as an Armenian woman, this identity crisis gains a further complexity. While we struggle with building a successful career and balance that with a full and complete personal life, many of us also struggle with the DNA-programmed need to preserve our culture and our heritage. I know in my case I was raised with a healthy dose of “Hayeren Khoseer” and “Azad, angakh Hayasdan”.

I call this my three-legged identity tripod: career, family and being Armenian. These are the things that define my identity – if any one of these three legs does not match the length of the others, I topple down.

When it comes to my identity, I also realize that I don’t have to be perfect. And that it’s really important to take risks. Risks make you feel alive. They make you feel like you’ve achieved. Standing here is a HUGE risk for me. Risks force you to expand your world and look beyond what you think you already know.

As I said before, being Armenian is a big part of who I am. I am married to a non-Armenian (“odar”) who challenges me, supports my ambitions and respects me and my heritage. My children speak Armenian. They are learning about our culture and heritage and which is one way that I am preserving a very important part of who I am and passing on that ingrained Armenian DNA. I also volunteer at the ARS Armenian Private School (if you haven’t yet donated to Telethon 2015, please do so) and the Zoryan Institute – a centre dedicated to the education, research, preservation and documentation of genocide and human rights violations, particularly the Armenian Genocide. Working there feeds my soul.

But being Armenian and staying Armenian has not been easy. Perhaps it’s like blasphemy to say that on some days I wished I was French or Italian – so much easier to relate and to have people understand who you are and what you’re all about without the burden of struggling to survive. But as I’ve gotten older, and hopefully gained more wisdom, I’ve come to believe that the hardest things are the ones worth fighting for…marriage, your children, your friends, your family…and yes, your identity. These are important things worth fighting for.

What’s Really Important

And that brings me to the final challenge. Challenge #5, discovering what’s really important. Some recent news about a friend’s situation really put this in perspective for me.

We all get bogged down with our own problems from time to time, and lose sight of the big picture – that we only have this one life to live and that we must make the most of it. Don’t we all wish that we were prettier, thinner, smarter, more successful, more laid back, younger and so on. The challenge for us is to grab hold of the magic in this life, and that magic, in my view, comes from sharing, from connecting and relating to the people around you, from being present.

It is a rare privilege to get a glimpse or to be present when people experience moments that will shape them forever, whether they’re experiencing moments of real learning, of overcoming, or even of regret. The moment that you can share your joys and regrets, they become real and allow you to relate to people in ways unimaginable. And the relating, well that is your legacy.

The connections that you make are what carry you – are what will sustain you. These bonds – whether created because you had a little too much to drink and your friend held back your hair while you were sick, or you created because a friend watched your newborn, colicy baby while you finally took a shower and got some rest – these bonds are what I’m all about. And look, you’re not going to bond with everybody, but when you do, stop and remember the magic. I do it by writing it down – and you relate to me when you read my stories.

Thank you.

(Blowing off some steam post speech…biggest fear is to speak in front of an audience with something in my teeth!)

20Jan2015

Valentine’s Day…it’s coming!

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Ahhhh…Valentine’s Day. I love it. With Christmas and New Year’s long gone now, retailers have already done the flip and I don’t care that it’s contrived, artificial or just collusion between the card companies, chocolate companies and florists.

Valentine’s Day is a forced moment to stop and think about the one you love and to make that one person feel special…if only I could control the HOW when that person is me!

I can’t think of how many times I’ve instigated an argument with Mr. Niceguy over my (perhaps ever-so-slightly) unrealistic expectations around Valentine’s Day – and I have to say, these “discussions” are always initiated at the END of the day (when he no longer stands a chance and when I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’m not getting the moon and stars for Valentine’s this year). For example:

Me: Hmmm…so anything special happen at work today?

Mr. Niceguy: Nope, just a typical day.

Me: Wasn’t it extra pretty? Like lots of pink and red hearts in all the stores down there? I love the Valentine’s day decorations…

Mr. Niceguy: Ya.

Me: Remember back when we didn’t have any kids? Oooh, and before we were married…how you used to send me flowers and buy me my favourite candy for Valentine’s Day? *wistful* How you’d plan the whole day like the time you took me skating at City Hall and then we went to my favourite restaurant for dinner?

Mr. Niceguy: Didn’t you plan that day…and wasn’t that the time you got really sick and called the restaurant the next day because you thought they served us tainted beef when it was actually the fact that you ordered the pan-fried butter steak, the buttery mushrooms, the cheesy baked potatoes and then the extra helping of creamy mashed potatoes?

Me: *HHHRRRMMMPPHH* Nooooooo…not that time (thanks for bringing that up!) The time you took me to the romantic French restaurant with the bread baskets that hang from the pulleys, the gorgeous fireplace, the wonderful wine…

Mr. Niceguy: Oh. Ya. Ummm…

Me: *Losing patience* Why can’t you plan a Valentine’s Day for me anymore? Can you please plan one next year? Please?

Mr. Niceguy: Huh? What? I was just checking Arsenal’s standings in the soccer league…

Ya. So that’s the way it usually goes. But not this year. This year I’m taking matters into my own hands. I’m a smart, capable, educated woman who can totally be logical when she wants. In fact, I resent that last statement. I am ALWAYS logical. So if I want something, I’m gonna make it happen. I am going to sweep Mr. Niceguy right off his feet!

But wait…I’m the girl. And isn’t Valentine’s Day all about showing the girl how much you love her? Isn’t it about courting, wooing and making your lady feel special? I don’t want to take that away from Mr. Niceguy. Instead, I will trust that this year he will know exactly what to do.

Besides, I was testing the waters tonight and he kind of passed. See, Mr. Niceguy’s absolute favourite meal in the whole wide world is roasted chicken and potatoes – it’s a comfort food that his mom used to make for him. Imagine the smells of a roasting chicken filling the home…I wonder, could it be the key to Mr. Niceguy’s heart? So to test this hypothesis, I made him his favourite dinner, except…

When I went to lift the roasting pan out of the oven, I think I may have tweaked my finger – it might have been heavy for just one hand but I carried it to the table all the same. After our meal, while I was doing the washing, I noticed a large purple bruise on the inside of my finger and recalled…my GP asked me recently if I bled or bruised easily…HOLD ON. Am I a closet hemophiliac?! I asked Mr. Niceguy…

Me: *Panic and concern with a dash of cute* Look at my finger!

Mr. Niceguy: *Sweetly* Oh! What’d you do?

Me: *Coy and bashful batting my eyelashes* I don’t know…I think I hurt it while lifting the casserole…do you think I’m a borderline hemophiliac? I mean, I bruise so easily and when I cut myself it takes a while to stop bleeding…

Mr. Niceguy: *Smiling as one would to a toddler* Oh no. I think if you were a hemophiliac, even a borderline hemophiliac, we would have known by now. I mean, true, you are special and lots of odd things have happened to you, but I wouldn’t worry.

See?! So sweet…so attentive. Hypothesis validated. I will prepare a roasted chicken right before Valentine’s Day, drop a hint or two and see where things take us…who knows, maybe this year I’ll get the sun and the moon and the stars and the flowers and the candy and the really hard to get reservations and the trendiest restaurant and a new bauble and…and…and…

12Jan2015

Oh…to be in a cocoon

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

On this blustery, winter day, I’m wrapped up in my large duvet, trying to block out all the fighting and the fake gun shots (POW! POW!), the million-and-one questions, requests and demands, just trying to find a quiet place to get in touch with my inner thoughts. My cleaning lady quit and after the fifth (yes, FIFTH) load of laundry this weekend, I’m spent.

Incidentally, during one such load of (thank goodness) darks, when I went to put the washed clothes in the dryer I heard a *CLINK*…I ignored it. Until I looked back into the washing machine and to my horror, found crayons…CRAYONS!! So oh—my—GOD!!!! Now I have to dig through half-wet clothes and turn out all the pockets because five loads of laundry were not a big enough chore?! And if they find their way into the dryer…I’m screwed!!!! WHO KEEPS CRAYONS IN THEIR POCKETS??!!

I know I shouldn’t blame them…they’re just kids. They’re having fun.

And I can kind of see the humour in it. I’m a horrible mother. Why couldn’t I just turn their pockets inside out before I started the load?! Ugh. No matter now…

Crisis averted…I’m lulled into a false sense of accomplishment until I move onto the next: cleaning “boy” toilets (eew), the kitchen sink, the floors, and dusting and I’m just about ready to admit failure again, abandon my intentions of becoming the best domestic there ever was and simply hire another cleaning lady.

For goodness’ sake, in addition to all of the above, I’ve stripped the beds of all their sheets and mattress covers and, being a big believer of continuing education, I’ve even watched various online video tips for housework including one teaching an orgasmic, “idiot-proof” method of stuffing a duvet into its duvet cover! Yes, this “new generation” of YouTube-ing everything and equating housework with emotional highs and true accomplishment is a new twist for me. I’m SO PUMPED to try this out!

In truth, the video captivated me because it equated the method with a burrito roll and quite frankly burritos and I are super tight. Like really tight. Like Angie and Brad tight. I can’t walk by a burrito and not eat it. Chicken, beef, pork, veggies, cheese, eggs…put virtually anything in a burrito, hand it over and I’m in my happy place. Add sour cream, some pico de gallo and that’s what I call orgasmic!

Incidentally, the idiot-proof method took much longer than my usual haphazard “Girl Fight” style of blindly stuffing my the duvet into the corners of the cover and now I’m upset with myself for having put so much faith into this fail-safe, quick, life-saving, orgasmic method. Completely let down and feeling like I’ve been cheated on by a bad ex-boyfriend, in true homage to the burrito, I’ve rolled my idiot self up in my uncovered and totally naked, king-size duvet.

So back to where I started this entry, here I am, lying in fetal position; I’m desperately trying to drown out the wails, the complaints, the incessant questions and unrelenting complaints from my world. I’m desperately trying to drown out my own wails, complaints and incessant questions and unrelenting complaints. Like, “is this what a so-called balanced life is supposed to be like?” and, “I quit my job to be able to focus more on my family / personal life but I just can’t seem to find focus” and most of all, “is this what I went to graduate school for?!”

The thoughts swirl around me like an F5 tornado. I can see all the different parts of my life but I can’t seem to catch any one. Everything is a blur and in this total bewilderment I hear a tiny voice whisper, “give in”. The blur morphs into a haze…and like a caterpillar waiting in its cocoon to turn into a graceful butterfly, I drift off into a blissful slumber, leaving the world behind…for now.

18Dec2014

Happy Christmas!

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

We’re entering my favorite time of the year and unlike many, I don’t mind at all that it’s getting colder, that the days are getting shorter, and that soon the ground will be covered snow. In the lead up to the holidays Christmas decorations are everywhere and people seem so much kinder, warmer and more tolerant. Even those added extra hours of darkness don’t feel gloomy when I’m getting lost in all the magical, twinkling lights. Like most, however, come March I’ll be willing the snow to melt and the warmth to return, but for the time being I’m just going to stop, press pause, and enjoy.

Despite all of the excitement around the holidays there are always those quiet moments when you can sit still, perhaps by a crackling fire enjoying a nice, hot latte (or something with more of a kick) and listening to some relaxing music…none of which I seem to have found quite yet.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been trying to teach my boys about the act of making resolutions. Resolutions make us acknowledge the passing of the old and give hope for the chance of something new and better. Ancient Babylonians and Romans made resolutions and they can also be found in more religious holidays like Lent, when sacrifices are made as a form of penance. At the very least, resolutions can help us to seek betterment through change – and change can be a good thing, right?

So this morning when I asked the boys what they thought of the year ending and another one beginning here’s what happened…

Me: Boys, the year is almost over. Soon it will be January and we will start fresh again. What do you think of that?

4 year old: Hmmph. NINJA TURTLES!!!!!!

8 year old: The year ending is bad. Like, really bad. I don’t want change. I want everything to stay the same.

Me: Really? Are you sure? It’s not bad, it’s just an end and then we start over with a new beginning.

8 year old: Well, ok. But I still don’t want it to change…unless of course we get hovercars.

Me: WHA?! Hover cars? Or hover crafts? Do you mean hover cars like the Speedors in Star Wars or hover crafts that go on water and land?

8 year old: Not Speedors. The first one.

Me: Huh?! First one? (Totally confused)

8 year old: No. Not Speedors. Hover cars. Like in Mario Kart 8. We could all drive around in hover cars…then I’ll be happy with the new year.

Me: Ummm ok. So I think we’ve missed the point – a new year means a new chance at starting over and we can do that by making resolutions. Like, I’ll be nicer to my parents this year, I’ll work harder this year, I won’t play as many video games *under my breath: because now I’m dreaming about hover cars…*

8 year old: Definitely to be nicer.

4 year old: I-WANT-TO-COLOUR!!!!

Me: *Getting frazzled* Ummmm…great! (Turning to 8 year old) And what do you mean by “nicer”? You already are super nice.

8 year old: Well then I want HIM to be nicer (points at 4 year old). And I know what I don’t want. I don’t want my ears to grow so big that I can hear everything in the world because then my teacher will get really mad when I can’t concentrate on what she’s saying in class …unless I plug my ears with bass drums, of course.

Of course. The conversation continued for at least two more blocks about gigantic ears being able to touch outer space and the various moves of the Ninja Turtles and Jedi fighters and I thought to myself: this has been a huge year for me. A year full of changes of risks – some of which have paid off while others, I’m still waiting to appreciate. In some ways the year flew by. In some ways, it took an eternity for how could I have filled in so many things in the blink of an eye?

The only thing I can say to you, dear Reader, is as follows: I hope you had a year full of wonder and growth. I hope you learned something new and saw something that made you stop and think – for therein lies the magic. I hope your losses will be overcome and that your pains will subside. I hope you didn’t add very many more regrets to any that you may already have. I hope you can allow yourself to let go of those regrets and instead hold onto the small moments – the ones that seem so insignificant while they’re happening for they are what will remain in the years to come. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

3Nov2014

This is MY forty.

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Spincycle Diaries: This is MY Forty…

A friend of mine, relatively to her forties, posted an article about being forty on Facebook prefaced with the comment, “I’m not sure I agree.” My interest was piqued…

When I was turning forty, I was more focused on my actual birthday than what it would mean to be in my forties. My initial thoughts centered on how I would celebrate this milestone: would I have a big party or fly away to some exotic locale – “Instagram-ing” every second? Would I bring the kids or leave them behind? I imagined all sorts of different outfits to wear to my great, elaborate party or otherwise, on a day filled with shopping, visiting museums and walking from Battery Park all the way up to Columbus Circle in New York City, alone, with Mr. Niceguy – stopping for burgers and beers along the way.

Yes, turning forty was definitely the focus – so much so that I had neglected to stop and think what it would actually mean to be in my forties. Of the articles I’ve recently read, one author made a statement which rang very true for me:

I’ve never managed to grasp a decade’s main point until long after it was over

When I take a look back, I can see that my 20’s were full of learning and making mistakes, adventure, and romance: I lay the groundwork for what would become a wonderful marriage and exciting career. My 30’s brought a new set of challenges as I got deeper into my profession, started my own family and questioned the kind of person I wanted to be and the kind of legacy I wanted to leave. So what will my 40’s be about? With time growing ever more precious I’ve decided that I’d better figure this out toute suite!

Probably the very first thing I’ve noticed about being forty is that I’m certainly making a much bigger deal of it than Mr. Niceguy ever did! In all seriousness though, I’ve come to realize that it’s really important to appreciate the present. All the worrying, the planning, the preparing – these are all distractions from the now, from the moments that we can never again have: a first step, the first A on a project, basking in a moment of brilliance, or an unexpected ‘thank you’ for a contribution when you weren’t even expecting to be noticed. Building a storehouse full of vivid moments is what will sustain us in the future and help us to keep going when times feel particularly tough.

This brings me to another realization: many articles stated that we should not make comparisons between ourselves and others – comparisons only get us into trouble. I believe this is true but given the right perspective, comparisons fuel motivation. Like the other day, I saw Supermom in the parking lot – you know her: fab, fit, forty and so together. Supermom effortlessly juggles all the aspects of her life, is ever so charming and eloquent with her kids and never, ever appears frazzled, in other words, my antithesis. After trying countless low carb diets and exercise routines, trying to keep on top of this project and that, and reading all the parenting books I can get my hands on, I’ve come to learn that although my thighs will always “kiss”, I will inevitably forget about a deadline and quite often, will make some parenting expert cringe, thanks to the Supermoms out there, I strive to take better care of myself, not sweat the small stuff and be a better mother.

My last realization is that in truth, I really have no idea what I’m talking about. I mean, on most days, I feel like I’ve somehow reverted back to my teenage years, worrying about how to cover up the zit that just popped up on my forty-year-old forehead! I do things I shouldn’t do, say things I shouldn’t say, even try hard to be one of the “cool kids”! Like, this can’t be how a forty year old would behave, can it? Turning forty has highlighted some of my deep-seated insecurities! Should I spend more of an effort on my appearance and dress more appropriately for my age by ditching my Converse and jeans? Should I act more grounded and finally start reading the newspaper instead of quoting the Vampire Diaries or the Bachelor? Should I stop pretending that I’ll one day become President or Secretary of State?! Should I start acting “my age”?!

No, I believe I should not.

Forgiving my presumptiveness, here’s what I think I know about being forty (and perhaps beyond). That none of it matters. While I have no clue as to what it means to be in this “club”, I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t say that I want to have a hand in its design.

I can say with certainty that by the end of this decade, I will seek out my children more than they seek me out now, I have to make more time for romance (despite the constant tornado called life swirling around me, no book takes the place of a night out with Mr. Niceguy!), I will have to work harder than ever before to not feel left behind by some new technological gizmo and that I may need to finally trade in my sneakers for more sensible shoes. In the meantime, I’ll continue to make mistakes and cringe when I think of them (like hitting myself on the head while closing the trunk of my own truck in front of all the Supermoms, or the daily insert-foot-in-mouth-itis with which I’m plagued), or continue to pretend like I know what it takes to set world policy (there are worse things than pretending to be President!). Most importantly though, I’ll learn to focus on what’s really important: my present, and the fact that as time ticks on, surrounding myself with a circle of true friends and a loving family that I helped to build, along with my not-so-grown-up spirit, are really all that matter.

15Sep2014

Philosophical mom

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Today I planned to be my charming and witty self…instead I’m plagued with fever, a sore throat and consequently, find myself in a weakened state, philosophizing…

It’s been nearly 7 months – SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS – since I started on this new chapter in my life as stay-at-home-and-sometimes-work mom. How did I get here? When did this all happen? Just the other day I was telling a friend that I’ve only just recently felt like I’ve started to get into the groove of my new situation. For I believe that although I am very much a mother, my “mom gene” may actually be missing.

While many of my friends eased into motherhood, I have struggled, every single step of the way.

For years, my companions were spreadsheets, business strategies and financing contracts – the stress around soliciting financial terms and conditions or negotiating during high stake meetings was my permanent state. Oftentimes, when I’d be “playing hookie” and getting a much needed eyebrow wax or buying groceries, I would be reminded that I was at the mercy of work by the cold sweat that would instantly trickle down my spine and the breath that would get caught in my throat when my phone would “TING” with a new email. Call it PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), call it habit, it’s that edginess and state of constant readiness that had taken over every aspect of my life. Even when I’d try to slow down, there was something in me that would not allow it for nothing other than complete responsiveness would suffice…until I realized that the price I was paying was much too high.

So, MBA in hand coupled with more than a decade of experience at one of the world’s leading global professional services firm, I figured I could take all that I had learned and apply it to my new job. No longer torn for having to choose between career and family, I eagerly accepted my new position.

My first order of business would be to deal with all the things that I had neglected over the years: healthier eating, more exercise, doing homework right away after school rather than cramming it into the wee hours, and even doing some things I’d always dreamed of like finally improving my French, learning Spanish, and how to drive a stick shift. My ambitions were lofty but the flow charts I’d devised in my mind made me confident that I had it all figured out.

In these last seven months, those flow charts, plans, strategies, and all the learning I did as a middle management plebe slowly unraveled – they may has well have been flushed down the toilet!

I came to realize that while negotiations in the professional world have certain rules and a logical tempo, negotiations with my children are like navigating through land mines (permit the metaphor) and nothing like any business dealing I’ve ever known. There seems to be only one pattern in negotiations with my children best illustrated by the car ride to school this morning:

My request to please cease and desist playing the flute in the car for it may cause the driver (me) to get into an accident (logical reasoning)
Their blatant ignoring of me – they neither hear me, see me or show any indication of acknowledging my presence (savvy technique)
My request repeated at a higher volume –they must understand that I hold their lives in my hands?!
#2 again (persistence)
Me turning into a crazy banshee lady screaming at the top of my lungs (*FLUSH*)
Still no response – though I did get a millisecond of silence before they started again (mastermind geniuses using torture techniques)
Me feeling guilty about acting like a crazy banshee lady and now overcompensating by resorting to bribery (loser)
Acknowledgement and completion of request (winners)
Utter defeat and feeling a failure as have become cause of ruined futures (digging hole)
Picturing great catastrophic events like man-children permanently ensconced in basement playing video games and eating pizza. (burying head in said hole)

No, the job of “mom” is much harder, the stakes are infinitely higher, and the pressure for perfection is, on some days, omnipresent – and pungent, like a cloud of sulphuric acid. Where did it say in the job description that I have to be all-knowing and able to answer the myriad of daily questions? That I need to bandage every boo-boo and quiet the hormonal rage borne from an empty stomach? And speaking of job descriptions, where’s the training manual?!!?

Slightly feverish, and now panicked that soon it will be time to pick them up from school and once again start on the crazy rollercoaster called motherhood, I’m on the verge of a breakdown…I need a (mental) sick day but I know I can’t possibly have one! Suddenly, my philosophically-laced downward spiral comes to an end as I’m brought back to the present by that familiar “TING”…and you know what? Just for one second, a tiny split second, I was transported back…but wait! No cold sweat. My breath is flowing freely and I realize – I am so lucky, my world is one that I am designing, flaws and all! And my current bosses don’t know how to email…yet!

2Sep2014

The Great Outdoors Pt. II: You can take a fish out of water…or can you?

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Summer’s over…it’s back to school and (slowly) back to writing. But just before I completely leave my beloved season behind, thought I’d share this little happenstance from just a couple of weeks ago… (Dedicated to all those city girls that put in the effort for their families – and especially to TSM, a true lover of cottaging – how do you do it?!)

This summer, my top priority was to take a break from everything routine – my blog, homework, extra-curricular activities and most especially electronics – and to focus on the great outdoors. At least I tried anyway…minus my addiction to Candy Crush (I had resisted for so long!) a game where the object is to match up coloured candy in various patterns in order to progress to increasingly more challenging levels. You see, one night, seeing Mr. Niceguy so engrossed in this game, I snuck a peak and got sucked into candy land myself – didn’t matter that I’d been getting facebook requests on a daily basis, but like a lemming I followed Mr. Niceguy into his candy cavern and I swear I now see everything in “candy vision”: can I shift that car over there and blast that row to drive into that spot? Let me fork some salad, a piece of kebab dunked in hummus which then snatches some rice – quadruple effect!!

(The lack of) summer TV programming also helped with my goal of getting back in touch with Mother Nature and “a simpler lifestyle”… particularly once the World Cup ended (which, in essence, was a total nightmare for a die-hard Espana fan such as me) but just until a couple of weeks ago, when Bachelor In Paradise started and my Achilles’ heel started to itch…I gave myself the green light – after all, the show is set in the “great outdoors” (ok, not quite the great outdoors but a contrived resort on the beaches of Tulum, Mexico). But since I too would be going to the cottage for our annual pilgrimage soon, I figured this little indulgence was justified…it would lessen my dread of cottages and whet my appetite for some sand, sun and water activities…I couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Those who know me know that I’ve been quite vocal and unabashed about my dislike of cottaging. It’s not that I don’t think it’s “of value” – particularly when it comes to children and forging a love of the outdoors, physical activity, creativity, and so on but still, I have to sit through hours of traffic to get to some remote destination where I “have the privilege” of doing all the cooking, cleaning, planning and entertaining…wait, isn’t that what I do at home anyway???!!

I wasn’t always plagued with such an aversion; my “cottage allergy” has only become more severe since I had children.

Before then, I used to dislike cottaging because I was a bit of a priss and had a hard time letting go of my creature comforts like my favourite pillow, air conditioning, water pressure and the ability to flush the toilet as many times as I wanted (sit down you environmentalists – I do my part in other ways!) and not for strategic reasons like an inherent fear of clogging septic plumbing or worse yet, needing to drown out biological noises thanks to paper thin doors. Before children, I could do it all and particularly well I might add when helped by a six-pack of beer, good company (especially when rehashing old camp songs and memories) and the ability to stay on the swim-party-sleep cycle indefinitely. But post children…I’m totally out of my comfort zone and constantly fighting off the bloodsucking bugs (I’m referring to the mosquitos and black flies of course) that seem to relish in tormenting me! So I ask…why bother?!

As a Canadian born Armenian growing up in the Middle East during its golden age, I had all the makings of a city girl and rugged adventurer! As my family moved from one cosmopolitan locale to the next, my father, an avid outdoorsman, ensured that my sister and I developed a strong love of nature as he taught us to climb the mountains of Taif (Saudi Arabia), survival swim in the Red Sea and of course join scouting (or guiding as it were) to then rough it in the great Canadian outdoors. While my sister ended up being much closer to Mother Nature, my relationship with Her was one that was more subdued.

The City captured my imagination – its noises and lights like a constant disco that I couldn’t get enough of – it filled my soul and for many, many years, I was happily at its mercy. It wasn’t really until I had my boys that I really rediscovered nature – or at least was forced to rediscover nature – and I realized that if my relationship with nature was going to have any chance, I was going to have to put in the effort and let go of much more than I thought…

My struggle is best encapsulated by one particular incident from our recent trip (though believe me, I have many to choose from). I nearly lost my mind when I handed my prized (and very-typically-not-backed-up) iPhone over to my 4 year old who was begging to take a picture of a speedboat on the dock. While I was correcting his position (he kept taking snapshots of his own hand) he dropped my phone and everything went in slow motion: phone, floating through the air, rotating over and over, slipping through the planks on the dock that was floating thirteen feet above the cold, black lake, and landing on the floatation device underneath – all with the gorgeous backdrop of the setting sun…AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

I felt like I was in a movie…like I was having an out of body experience and I kid you not, I was Hugh Grant. Flopsy, awkward and positively cornered Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral – you know the scene, the one when he’s about to marry Duck Face at the church: bugger, bugger, bugger…BUGGER! But what came out of my mouth instead, first in utter disbelief followed by shock and catastrophe, in increasing crescendo and volume was one profanity after the next: *Bleep* the cottage! *Bleep* the great outdoors! *BLEEPITY-BLEEP-BLEEP* the thought that I could actually let go long enough to appreciate any of it!!

I could see my phone…balancing precariously on its edge…like my mental state…and at that moment I vowed not to abandon it – my only connection to civilization and the last vestige of who I am. Never mind that I’d entered into a state of hysteria and was ready to tear each individual hair on my head, I would NOT walk away until the glow from the screen faded away.

Out poured all of my frustrations (at great volume, I might add) – the cooking, the cleaning, the refereeing, juxtaposed with the freedom and expanse of the great outdoors – I was a fish out of water and hated it. I was coming undone. I felt trapped and cornered and like I was slowly slipping through the crack myself…but surely this city girl had faced worse than this? And it was in that one moment – in that break from the insanity – that I came up with part of a solution. Hearing it through my wails and my tears, Mr. Niceguy took over, reached in and saved the day.

Embarrassed by my behaviour, I shrank away. I took my beloved phone to my car, plugged it in to listen to some music and realized…that despite my absolute and complete effort to NOT partake in my surroundings, I had just survived an adventure…in the great outdoors, no less! And despite a battered ego, I came out unscathed with a story to boot! Perhaps it wasn’t all that bad. Perhaps I could do it again – after all summer is virtually over and school is about to start maybe I could learn to be more of an outdoors woman? Or perhaps next time, it can be a boys’ getaway instead…

16Jun2014

WANTED: The rest of my eyebrow…

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

When one starts to egotistically indulge, the universe finds a way to “right-size” their ego…

Part of my eyebrow went missing and I honestly can’t remember where it went. What’s worse? I can’t even remember when it was last there…oh, what the rest of my eyebrow must be thinking of me.

Did I tweeze it away? Did I pull at it? Did it simply rub off while I slept? I can’t say… Perhaps it is a new kind of facial baldness? Is this the symptom of another affliction? A side-effect of aging that gets overshadowed by the soon-to-arrive-at-some-point “Big Change”? Quite frankly, if so, then womankind, fellow sisters, you have done me a great disservice by keeping me in the dark on this one.

I had to figure out what it was like to first kiss a boy and what it meant to get to “all the bases” on my own – and while child labour was a mystery (not to mention the notion of parenting in its entirety), no one, and I mean, NO-BODY ever said anything to me about the possibility of losing part of my eyebrow, an essential feature on my FACE!

It’s absolutely no wonder, then, that the sun’s been shining brighter from “the west” – my God given (and now taken away) natural parasol is missing an arm. Yet, how could I have not noticed before? Did I become so intoxicated by the sun’s kisses?

I could’ve done something about it had I first noticed its departure. I should’ve done something about it when I first noticed it was missing…but what? I suppose I could’ve been more proactive…it’s been some time now…only, I don’t know how long as I’ve been avoiding my face (well at least that region). When I first caught a glimpse I was so appalled! I went into denial…I just thought if I didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t be true. I blamed it on the light and shadows.

I blamed it on the relentless winter and undulating weather (although we are now in a much more steady summer-ish pattern, it seems to me that one can almost always be justified in blaming the weather for virtually anything).

Oh! If only I could recall the moment. My brain is trying to preserve me…to keep me from finding the real cause…and ergo, the true culprit! I know I should’ve been more concerned about my appalling diet…but I’ve been good! I bought the fancy blender, I’ve had my near-daily smoothies and powered through the detox headaches. Overall, I’m living a much more clean lifestyle when it comes to eating and drinking (ok, minus the three beers at a friend’s house but it’s World Cup and that only comes but once every four years and so I could be given some leniency, could I not?)

Oh. My. God. That could very well be it! Perhaps it was all part of the detoxification. Perhaps that part of my eyebrow was actually toxic and the rest of my body did what it needed to survive…like gangrene? Had that part of my eyebrow succumbed to necrosis, and was the rest of my eyebrow just undergoing euthanasia? Well, if that’s the case, do I give thanks? No, that’s insane. I’m going off the deep end. I must recall how it happened. WHY CAN’T I JUST REMEMBER?!

Wait. Maybe if I stare in the mirror long enough I’ll get a flashback. Like in those movies or crime dramas when they have temporary amnesia and then all of a sudden, lightning strikes…FLASH!! OK, here goes…but wait. What if I focus and stare at it and I get nothing? And what if it never comes back?

No. Be brave. S – t – a – r – e…….and THINK! I see it…baby blue with white polka dots….a tweezer…oh, and I’m going in…STOP!!!!

And that’s how my day started just yesterday…it ended in the emergency room – not because of anything to do with the trivialities above…but because the four year old experienced an allergic reaction to a cashew. Which really put things in perspective.

Now my four year old is happily sitting on the couch, watching one of his favourite movies, eating his favourite indulgence…one that he rarely ever gets. And I’m grateful…missing eyebrow and all.

9Jun2014

An egotistical indulgence…

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Forgive this next entry, but my speed train has almost pulled into the station and I refuse to just travel patiently! I’m trying to relish these last few moments before I have to disembark…

As spring turns to summer all I can think of is how can I relish these last few weeks – days – hours before I have to give up a decade that has shaped me so much? It saw my confidence grow which in turn, gave me a better sense of self. It saw me turn (more like bumble) into motherhood, not once, but blissfully and blessedly, twice. It tested my every boundary and forced me to accept some very hard truths and change. And yet, through all of the upheaval, it was kind as it surrounded me with great friends, a wonderful family and some of the most amazing opportunities and experiences that were beyond imagination…

And so you can see why I’m panicking? Why I’m having trouble letting go?

It’s been just over a quarter of a year (good effect and makes things sound longer and more significant) since “the departure”. The identity crisis is starting to take a back seat to this glorious weather and I’m starting to find my groove. I knew it would take some time to get over the routine of career and that I would be overwhelmed with all sorts of emotion (again, dramatic effect but deservedly so). I was certain in the fact that I would have to respond to the same questions over and over again…all while not knowing the answers myself. Yet, stepping out of my boundaries has been good. I say this cautiously because for the first time in almost forever the future is an empty canvas that I can paint however I like…and I must say, I am enjoying the vastness of it all. And as one of my very dear friends said, being “unpredictable” – perhaps a word I would never, ever use to describe myself.

Just a couple of weeks ago, my biggest challenge was getting through homework, ensuring we made it to my son’s end-of-year school concert and finding a blender. With my newly acquired wisdom – acquired because there’s now a little room to think about things other than spreadsheets, industry trends and interest rates – I decided that I should seek to become more healthy and stop avoiding entire food groups by blending them all together into a delicious smoothie. We’ve all seen the commercials and the demonstrations…I was finally converted.

For three mornings in a row I had the following: kale, spinach, swiss chard, strawberry, banana, pomegranate seeds, cherries, blackberries, blueberries, mango and pineapple all whipped up with greek yoghurt. To my surprise, an absolute delight. And yet on the first day, a massive headache. Was it because I was sipping on this smoothie for most of the day? I couldn’t get over this migraine! It came and went for the first three days! After some googling I found that I had put myself into a state of DETOX. My smoothie was cleansing my system! And all the toxins were bubbling up to the surface!

I blame these toxins…I believe I may have been in a drunken haze for in that migraine-induced, dizzyingly hyper-energetic state I decided that staying true to change was of the utmost importance and the key to life. And in that inebriation, I decided to take yet another risk: after all they’re addictive, get my adrenaline going and make me feel A-L-I-V-E!!

While booking an exciting upcoming vacation, after much research into where to go and where to stay and what to see and what to do I decided to roll the dice! There was Mr. Niceguy, the absolute voice of reason that with a smile on his face said, “You? You’re really going to do that? You’re going to take that chance with the hotel? OK. I know what I would do…but go for it!”

Was that a dare? Did he not think I could go through with it? And of all the words he said, why did I cling onto “but go for it!” Did I miss the, but?

As the smoothie haze began to wear off, my old habits bubbled to the surface: what if I’ve made a HUGE mistake? What if this place is horrible and I’ve ruined our family vacation? And why won’t this headache let up??? Ugh! To win big you actually have to get in the game and play. But the frustration and the tears and the upset that ensued over the outcome…well surely I must have been a fool! Surely I should’ve known better!

The duality was driving me crazy! On the one hand, a wild-eyed thrill-seeker, and on the other, a tip-toeing super-planner afraid of regret. It was time to end it. For my remedy, and to restore balance in my universe, I popped open a Diet Coke (the nectar of life and I won’t hear otherwise) to accompany some ketchup-covered onion rings and you know what? After a little recalibration…I think I’m quite pleased with the outcome. While these final miles on the train are making me giddy, I can handle this next leg of my adventure…

26May2014

Wash, rinse, spin, repeat…

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

All about the never ending spin-cycle…and the little pauses in between.

Last night the PVR was acting up and it took an actual three hours to finally catch up on my TV and watch the Survivor finale and wrap up show – I may as well have just watched it live. GAH!!!! I hate it when that happens. Some question why I still watch Survivor – I’m a bit of an escapist and sometimes overly confident (add a dash of egotistical, judgemental and crazy and voila!) – I think I have quite the social game and am really, really good at puzzles so I think that I would totally make it to the final four provided I didn’t have to eat any weird fetus, maggot or some kind of larvae. My paranoid self has just realized that actually writing this may actually tip off Jeff Probst and crew to include the Survivor Food Eating Challenge when I compete…one day….once I’ve actually applied….yikes!!!

I digress. Mr. Niceguy kept telling me that it was time for bed as I kept nodding off but no, I wouldn’t have it. I absolutely needed to see who would win and quite frankly, after a long day of cooking, cleaning, gardening, repairing, washing, and homework together with, “Mommy, I want this” and “Mommy, the 4 year old is bothering me” and “Mommy, I can’t find my [insert any ridiculously tiny toy that one would need binocular attachments and some kind of sonar or laser tracking device to find]” – it was my down time. Thankfully, the phone beeps from a very late night round of texting from my other mommy friends who were obviously in the same boat jolted me awake and I was able to watch to the end…but no downtime ever takes place without exacting some form of payment, a lesson I would come to learn again…

7:00am – alarm goes off. I was so tired that I didn’t hit the snooze like I often do but instead, turned it right off. And all of a sudden, there I was, fascinator on, gorgeous two-piece and nude coloured shoes…no wait, that’s Kate Middleton. What’s she doing here? Oh my goodness, she’s giving me advice about how to host an outdoor party…how grand. Wait, I must take notes and listen closely…what’s that? She’s now talking about what to do when I’ve stepped in what?? And how to get rid of the stench??? I can’t pay attention to this! Why am I even thinking of arranging this garden party? How did I get here? Oh no…it was that second dinner I had at midnight! That’s right…I keep forgetting I’m not 20 anymore!! Speaking of food…

Oh my God! 8:15am!!! And Mr. Niceguy is still sleeping too! We jump out of bed and being the nice guy that he is, Mr. Niceguy makes the boys’ lunch and I decide I can’t leave the house looking like I just woke up and must do something about the embossed sheet marks on my face. So I scrubbed, moisturized and put on my makeup but unfortunately…no go. The sunglasses will have to cover my cheeks and nevermind, I’m really pressed for time!! Quick, grab jean cut offs from yesterday…it was so warm yesterday…argh…quit daydreaming…and pull a beachy look like Gisele!

Finally at school. Only I’ve just noticed that it’s 11 degrees and one glimpse at myself in the school glass doors and I realize, perhaps today is not the day to try and emulate Gisele…oh, and more disheartening still, the only thing I have in common with Gisele are the freckles on my face. A walk through the doors would add yet one more disappointment…pizza day. Why couldn’t I have just checked the school calendar before heading out of the house??!!

So to wrap up, I’m essentially paying for a not-so-exciting-night full of after hour binge eating, TV watching and basically TRYING to carve out some ME time. WHY IS THE UNIVERSE PUNISHING ME???!!!

I decide that I can’t face the rest of my day without my signature latte and that’s when I ran into a couple of women – other mom friends from school – one of whom is a very hip and cool marketing genius while the other, our local SJP with a downtown boutique full of the latest fashions. Ever the shallow individual, all I could think was I hope I don’t get judged for my lack of fashion sense re: the t-shirt, cut offs and my signature Converse All Stars, and that the sheet marks had finally disappeared from my face (I swear if someone invents a cheek plumper similar to that instant lip plumper lip gloss that one can simply buy off the counter, I’M ALL IN!!!)

Trying to sheepishly order my coffee and avoid all eye contact to no avail, I was approached and greeted ever so graciously by them both…obviously ignoring my dishevelled and insane state. And you know what? I got praised for my writing and praised for a recent outfit I had pulled together for a last minute event and I was on cloud nine! For just a moment, my insane cycle had been broken. For just a moment, it was all about me. Beaming, I thanked them both for their compliments, grabbed my latte and walked to my car…and then promptly dribbled coffee all the way down my shirt.

20May2014

Life with BOYS!

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Dedicated to my two moms – my own, who is responsible for all of my good and my bad, and my mom 2, who gave me one of her most prized possessions…Mr. Niceguy. Now if only she could’ve left me with the instruction manual…

Another long weekend is upon me and the pressure is on to have fun and go on adventures – for this is what it means to be in a household full of boys. No time for just relaxing, no desire to sit and simply read a book while sipping on a fancy coffee and listening to the birds chirp, and certainly no yearning for the trendy shops and restaurants in Yorkville…

When I was toiling away downtown at my “high-falutin” finance career, I used to live for long weekends…an extra day off work, extra time with the kids and who knows, maybe even a sleep in. But now all of that has changed. Life as a stay-at-home-and-work mom is different and most of the time, long weekends actually mean an extra work shift at “the plant” that you weren’t expecting!

When I think back even further, back to the days before the 7 year old and 4 year old were even on the scene, things were even more different still – I’m reminded of just HOW different particularly when I compare my life to the lives of singletons or people who don’t have children. Sometimes, I hear them rave about recent escapades, spur of the moment getaways to exotic places and I sigh…

If there was a contest to see whose life had changed more and the only 2 contestants were me and Mr Niceguy, I think I would win. And in his highly logical and rational way, he would concede defeat by stating that I would win only because of the limitations I impose upon myself…

Recently, the 7 year kid brought home an assignment and at the end of it, he had to choose five words to describe his mom (me!). Among those chosen were funny (true…I have a good sense of humour I think) , pretty (well what mom isn’t pretty to their children), fun (I work very hard at that one), smart (that will surely only last ‘til he hits grade 6 and then I won’t be able to keep up with the homework and the cat will surely be out of the bag!) and lastly, I suppose he ran out of single words here, I quote: “doesn’t like adventure”. I. Was. Floored. Me? Not like adventure? Say what??!! When did that happen?!

I’m the girl that lied to her parents about going camping and flew to LA for the weekend to (hopefully) catch a glimpse of the boy I had a crush on. I’m the girl who, upon obtaining acceptance to graduate school went across the Greek Isles and Italy with nothing but my two best friends, a back pack and a smile (and as many cute sandals as I could cram…). I’ve been to topless beaches and raves that would last until the break of dawn. I could run just as fast as anyone, climb higher, drive faster, dance harder, and up for virtually any new experience! And against all odds, I married Mr. Niceguy – an extreme adventure, if you ask me, given that the expectation for any nice, Armenian girl is to find another nice Armenian boy, make Armenian babies and add to the Armenian population!

But somewhere along the way my priorities shifted…I traded my passport and stilettos for my “Mom-UV”, weekly soccer matches and “gourmet” Mac and cheese.

What’s worse still is that when, in my horrified state, I told Mr. Niceguy about the assignment, he agreed! Or as he said, he could see where the 7 year old was coming from. But in my defence, this is what my boys classify as adventure:

1. Running around in nothing but their underwear and holding martial arts demonstrations

2. Asking me to take them to the park so that I can be the “pusher” of the swings

3. Watching Mr. Niceguy play with a remote control truck in any random, dusty, abandoned parking lot – who, by the way, is just one big kid and doesn’t do the best job of sharing his toy as it, together with all of its accessories, cost more than my designer bags and non-existent, figment-of-my-imagination designer shoes (oh Manolos…I should’ve bought you when I had the chance!!)

4. Throwing rocks in the smelly lake or dirty river while I ward off rabid dogs and other unidentified wildlife – did I mention that if there’s a mosquito within a 100 mile radius, it will find its way to my body and have a royal feast?

5. Getting in the “truck” and driving to destinations unknown and staying overnight in “family oriented” accommodations that are void of restaurants that require reservations

6. And the dreaded leaving of the city for the “North” where there are no lights, no shops and yes, NO SOCIETY!!

Of course I’m not going to like their definition of adventure! To know me is to know that my kind of adventure requires a passport (and some mascara)! In all fairness, I’m not all THAT high maintenance (or as high maintenance as I’m making myself out to be). Throw me on a beach and I’m in my happy place. Take me to some ruins and hand me a map, and I’m ecstatic. There’s just something about adventuring with boys that brings out, well, a different side of me…

So I guess these days, I don’t really seek out adventure – I’m too exhausted and too overwhelmed by how quickly time is just passing me by… Yet, somehow adventure finds me. It remembers that I crave it. It remembers that I love it. And somehow it knows that in my life with boys, I need it. For without it I’d be miserable: my horizons would not expand, I would not be challenged, and most of all, I would not feel what it’s like to really be alive…

My most recent adventure was sitting on the stands, watching my son be trained during a once in a lifetime soccer training session with the FC Barcelona soccer school coaches. I sat there, during a torrential downpour and watched my 7 year old have the adventure of a lifetime, an adventure I was having vicariously through him….one that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

One day, and certainly sooner than I’ll be ready, I’ll be able to once again hop on a plane at the drop of a hat to one exotic locale or another…though perhaps not a topless beach – at least not without good SPF!!

12May2014

Ugh…homework!!

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Dedicated to a very dear friend for whom I promised to (try) and be funny again!

Although I often forget to be grateful for the roof over my head and the food on my plate, as someone who’s been out of school for more than a decade, I never forget to appreciate that I no longer have homework!

As a Type A personality, I had virtually all straight A’s throughout my school career. I diligently studied for tests, poured all my effort into assignments and yes, completed every shred of homework – no excuses. So what happens when a Type A and a Type B collide over Grade 2 homework…

According to Wikipedia, Type A’s are “ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, truthful, impatient, always try to help others, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, proactive, and obsessed with time management…they are often high-achieving “workaholics” who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.” While Type B’s “generally live at a lower stress level and typically work steadily, enjoying achievement but not becoming stressed when they do not achieve. When faced with competition, they do not mind losing…they may be creative and enjoy exploring ideas and concepts.”

When Friday afternoons roll around and it’s time to pick up my boys from school my first question is always, “do you have any homework this weekend?” Of course, the 4 year old’s response (thankfully!) is always “No!” but the 7 year old kick-starts my anxiety with a simple shrug of his shoulders and an “I dunno.” And so, it begins. I start wondering, when are we going to do all his homework? How much does he have? Is it going to take me hours and hours??? Why can’t he be more motivated?! Doesn’t he realize that Grade 2 homework is the first step to the REST OF HIS LIFE??!!!!

One of the greatest challenges of being a parent is raising a child and trusting them to become independent and have the courage to stand up for themselves and go after their dreams…whatever they may be. I’ll digress here: throughout my formative years I wanted to be many things: astronaut, painter, even an army general! But as time goes on, reality (and social pressure) sets in …my dreams of becoming a fashion designer transformed into becoming a chemical engineer (no idea what they do but a particular dignitary was visiting my school and I couldn’t very well disgrace my VERY traditional Armenian parents by choosing such an “outlandish” career)! Incidentally, I did neither.

In today’s world, our choices are virtually unlimited and children have the gift of potentially making a real living following their dreams and passions. But today’s world is also more competitive than ever…which makes being a mom, harder still!

Like most 7 year old boys, mine is not quite a Type A. So when it comes time to ask him to centre in on his homework, I already know I’m swimming upstream – see, unfortunately I do not have a cool laser gun that pops out of my arm, nor can I shoot fireballs out of my eyes and defeat evil takeovers of the universe! I’m seriously lacking in the super power department for that’s what’s required to capture my 7 year old’s attention!

So it’s Sunday night, an hour to bedtime and after studying for two spelling tests and doing some required reading, we turned to his last piece of homework: writing a poem. WHAT?! Poetry? In Grade 2???!! Completely bewildered I turned to a friend who suggested making it fun by choosing a song together and “simply” replacing the words. Easy enough, right? NO.

Honestly, there I was, my Type A self, pouring everything I had into this “poetry assignment” and there he was, my little Type B, cycling song after song just so he could play around with my iPhone! I’m trying to come up with words for his poem while he’s more interested in the cover art!!! My nerves were getting shot! I begged! I pleaded and here’s what I got:

Stuart was a little mouse,

He lived in a great big house,

His brother’s name was George,

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, adventure

WHAT?! I kept explaining that he had to rhyme with “George” but he just stood there staring at me, a blank expression on his face. Perhaps it was the crazed look in my eyes, my nails digging into our dining room table, the beads of sweat appearing across my forehead, my hair starting to frizz or simply the fact that I had gone from shouting to an almost possessed person whisper…or perhaps neither of these things that finally lead us to this…

Me: *exasperated, worst parent ever as have now resorted to begging and pleading* Please. For the love of God and all that is holy, please, just choose one song and stick with it. It’ll make things easier. You can’t keep bouncing all over the place. We’ve been at this for over 45 minutes! You’ve just really got to focus and it’s almost bedtime, tomorrow’s a school day…

Him: *shrugs shoulders* Maybe I should take a break. Can I go play outside?

Me: You played earlier. Look, we have to finish. You have to do your homework. You must be prepared. This is all about your future! Trust me. You have to pay attention, get good grades and then you will be able to open doors to all kinds of possibilities.

Him: *sprightly* What doors? Where?

Me: *!!!!!!!!!!!!!! trying to keep it together…* The. Doors. To. Your. Future. – not actual doors, you know, just a metaphor for possible paths you could take…look, it’s even bath night, we don’t have much time left…

Him: YAY! Bath night! Can I play in the bath?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH.

It took every ounce of me to not take his exercise sheet and pencil and try and “forge” a poem! I mean EVERY-SINGLE-OUNCE. True, that would have been the absolute worst form of parenting but I’ll admit, I WAS DYING TO DO IT!!

Realizing that I was now on the verge of going against everything I stood for, I walked away and gave him his space. And you know what, he did it. I was his crutch and when I removed my (psychotic) self from the situation, he demonstrated that he could be a self-actualizing, independent thinker.

I guess more than one of us completed our homework this weekend…

28Apr2014

Mirror, Mirror…

Posted in Uncategorized by spincyclediaries

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

These words haunted me most of my childhood – my fear held me captive to the Queen in Snow White because even at that very young age, I think I always knew that she and I had a common connection…

Growing up, I would spend hours in my mother’s closet: my mom grew up in the “Paris of the Middle East”, also known as Beirut, Lebanon. There, she had dresses made for her for virtually every outing, the most fashion forward shoes, handbags and accessories, and of course, the ultimate makeup trousseau. So while she would be cooking in the kitchen or socializing on the telephone, I would sneak into her room to play dress-up and try on her makeup.

My mom taught my sister and me to take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, while I was a “closet princess” and very much appreciated watching her use the amazing palette of 30 eye shadows, I was still very much a tom boy, just as she had been. My mom was incredibly patient with us – she encouraged us to play with cars, engineering sets and lego – but she knew it was important to pass on some “feminine lessons”. My dad, on the other hand, who I think was appreciative that we were two of the most rough-and-tumble girls, did, I believe, express some frustration at one point when I walked in from my grandmother’s garden covered in thorns after falling into a rosebush, with scraped hands and knees for the umpteenth time and exasperated, he exclaimed, “If you’re not careful, no man is going to want you covered in all these scars!” I recall replying with, “well, then I don’t want that kind of man!” But in growing up, I’ve come to learn that looks are very important, indeed, and I’m not just referring to beauty.

Looks are the initial little appetizer – a certain something that draws one in, repels or causes query.

I can best describe the above by referring to art. A watercolour by Monet evokes a sense of peace and calmness. While perhaps a Salvador Dali may cause one to scratch their heads. But a recent appearance of a “little friend” on my chin that likely would qualify for its own zip code, turned me from a Van Gogh to a disjointed Picasso and I felt, did more to unleash parts of my psyche long buried putting me in company with that very evil Queen…

See, a few nights ago I started to feel that familiar pressure on my chin…I had so many “appearances” to make over the course of the weekend: birthday party, Kung Fu lessons and socializing with parents, a long overdue girls’ night, and a long list of other endless gatherings. And when I woke the next morning, one look in the bathroom mirror and there it was: my very unwelcome “friend”!! I just wanted to hideout – no amount of concealer would do! Spackling it on only made it look worse! And the thought of buying zit cream at the drug store like in my angst-ridden-teenage-years seemed like the worst option of all! Hot compresses, cold compresses, windex, hydrogen peroxide…would nothing return me to my normal state?

So at each occasion I could feel “my friend” taking centre stage – I tried desperately to conceal it with my hand – but then I looked like a crazy person rubbing an imaginary beard or one that was highly philosophical: “Hmmm…yes…I agree with what you’ve said but what would Emmanuel Kant say?”

During my conversations I sensed that my friends were not listening to my words but staring (mouths agape) at my chin – and lo and behold, this “friend” of mine was transforming from simple red bump to Everest!!) I could hear the words of Austin Powers in my head, “Mol-ee, mol-ee, mol-ee” and I wanted to withdraw…to fade into the wallpaper.

But I am not the type to withdraw for too long. Anger welled up inside of me – one that surely the Queen must have felt. For this friend had caused me to abdicate my throne. And while I’ve never considered myself as worthy of a spread in Vogue, I have grown quite accustomed to the predictability of my looks – now reduced to repulsion and query. Why do looks have to matter so much? Why can’t my words be enough? And if looks are the appetizer why do I have to dish out the appy that like an oozing, slimy delicacy, raises the eyebrows and garners repulsion and query???!

But, like all of my over-dramatizations (and the weekend), this too, came to an end…and fortunately, one that was timely. Perhaps next time I’ll remember not to put too heavy a weighting on my first impressions…

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Spincycle Diaries

Confessions of a modern-day renaissance woman

Tag Archives: yummy mummy

Green eggs and ham!

The story of Haji Khalil…my brush with Anne Frank

In recognition of International Women’s Day

Valentine’s Day…it’s coming!

Oh…to be in a cocoon

Happy Christmas!

This is MY forty.

Philosophical mom

The Great Outdoors Pt. II: You can take a fish out of water…or can you?

WANTED: The rest of my eyebrow…

An egotistical indulgence…

Wash, rinse, spin, repeat…

Life with BOYS!

Ugh…homework!!

Mirror, Mirror…