Reminds me of my “black and (seemingly) sophisticated” phase…and how much my mother would bug me about wearing more colour!
Monthly Archives: May 2013
Funky blues…Part II
A week has gone by, and I still can’t shake the blues…but at least it looks like we’re actually going to be on time today. Kids are dressed and fed, bags are packed for school, and just as we go outside to load everyone up in the car…DISASTER! Oh. My. God. There is rotten food everywhere…I forgot to close the garage door last night and raccoons got into my green bin!! GROSS!!!
A quick clean up later I’m thinking, crisis averted, when up the driveway comes my cleaning lady. My existing cleaning lady – the one that keeps rearranging all of my stuff; the one that keeps breaking things in my house; the one I’m putting off letting go because I’ve never “fired” anyone in my life. I wasn’t expecting her! Especially since I am actually trying out a new cleaning lady…TODAY!!! And who is set to arrive any minute! What to do now???!!! I blurt out, “Oh…hi! I wasn’t expecting you today. But…ummmm….great. Go ahead inside, I’ll just be a minute.” Quick, send text. No response. Call….pick up, pick up, pick UP!! “Hi, it’s me. I’m so sorry, part of our roof fell off last night and I really don’t feel comfortable having you come here while they work to put it back on. Us? Oh, geez, we’re fine…thank you for asking. I will pay you, for sure, I’m so, so sorry! See you next week. Thank you so much. OK, bye.”
Before you judge…part of the roof DID fall off last week (some trim thingy) and tomorrow a roofer IS going to come and put it back on…so…not a lie…just a stretch??
I hop in the car with the rest of the gang who have now (thank goodness) offered me a ride to the subway. Purse? Check. Spare bag with shoes? Check. Latte? Checkity, check, check! Things are starting to go my way…I think I’m going to shake this funk after all…I mean, what a comedy of errors this morning, right? And I survived.
This subway is disgusting. It is crowded and hot. I hope I don’t almost faint again. Focus…perhaps I should turn off Zero Dark Thirty and just stare at the ground – somehow torture scenes seem too akin to what I feel like I’m going through right now. Hmmm…why don’t they have the AC on? OUCH!!! What the…OUCH!!!!! Some totally oblivious woman has not only just stomped on my foot with her big, high-tech sneakers but when I turned to see what was going on, she clocked me with her giant backpack. And now there’s a medical emergency and I’m stuck here??? Oooofff. Funkity, funk, funk!
It’s eight hours later…I did make it to work, had a not-so-productive day evaluating my life again and managed not to cover myself with my lunch this time – so all in all, not so bad.
And now I’m at my son’s baseball game (which I signed him up for as a way to at least cross one more item off my list). We’ve been in our neighbourhood for close to five years and this is a great way to get involved – and yes, this new-ish environment will be just as tricky for me as it will be for him…I just wish I wasn’t in such a funk…
I look around…there’s a group of women who seem like they’ve been on this circuit for years: they have their folding chairs, their travel mugs and hunter boots (on this unseasonably cold and rainy Tuesday evening I am wearing a thin t-shirt and converse and willing the sun to come out) and they appear more interested in comparing notes over their latest acquisitions, recipes and social agendas. I swear that if I were to look closely enough at the grass by their feet I would see tiny little brass plaques denoting their respective, individual plots of land at the park – undoubtedly passed down for generations. I know this because I got the “once-over” when I was carrying our gear to “their territory” so I did a quick 180 and changed course…I’m too funking drained to deal with this…
But…oh no. I’ve now wound up with the really nice and inclusive group. You know these people – they are overly sweet and complimentary. They want to know every little detail about you and where you come from, seem oblivious to the fact that you only met five seconds ago, and for some reason, believe that you are just as interested in every detail about their lives: “We’ve been at this league forever! You’ll love it! We live right over there…see my house? What about you? What street? What number? My son, X, has been playing for the past two years but just look at him, he can’t focus or listen – X!! PAY ATTENTION TO THE COACH!!!!! – I swear that child is going to be the end of me. You know, he won’t eat any vegetables??!! What do I do? You must have some ideas? Which one is yours???” Oh boy.
So now I’m sitting by the dugout. This really is the best spot anyway – near all the kids and I can really get into the game. Little-by-little I’m feeling not funkadelic anymore, but bewildered. I’m trying to figure out how I got here. And how I’ve let my funk dictate so many of my moves…like not making an attempt to get to know some of these people, or worrying about the consequences of each and every decision I’ve made up to this point, or the consequences of each and every decision I have to make hereafter.
I look up and start to really watch. To my surprise, I notice that my son has joined, I mean really joined, his team without hesitation. He’s talking to all the other kids and having the best time. He got thrown into a situation he knew nothing about, or had control over, and is doing just fine.
As the innings progressed, I found I was enjoying myself and letting go of all of my other wonderings…the noise in my head grew quieter as it was replaced with cheers, squeals and my favourite, the crack when the ball connects with the bat. Then, to my utter astonishment, the game has ended and I am being congratulated by the coaches: “Your son had the hit of the game!” And all of a sudden, I knew that we had accomplished what buying a new pair of shoes could ever achieve…I was out of the “spin-cycle”…for now.
Funky blues…Part I
Open. Close. Open. Close. Open. Close. Open…scan top…scan middle…scan bottom…nothing in the left drawer…nothing in the right…nothing in the door. Close. There is officially nothing to eat. I’ve checked, double-checked and triple-checked. The fridge fairy bypassed my house again. Maybe I can scrounge up some chocolate or candy…
Cable? PVR? Netflix? Nothing. Well, nothing except another show about a couple getting to choose between three potential homes in some exotic locale of which it’s quite obvious which two they’d only choose if they were completely insane. Again? No thanks. And it’s not shark week!! My shows have all had their season finales too: Survivor’s done, the Bachelor’s done, 90210 (yes, 90210) is done for good and worst of all…no Glee until September! Whatever will I sing along with?? And I absolutely, unequivocally will not watch any of the PBS shows that reside on my PVR – no, I did not choose them nor can I stand to get past their descriptions like the role of this agency or that in foiling some terrorist plot or new insights into some World War II battle fought in who knows where, who knows when, or better yet, what REALLY was behind the financial crisis. I really should’ve taken the time to program some of my shows…
So, nothing to eat and no entertainment…a nasty combination for my constitution.
It’s morning. I get up, get ready and get to work. I need to focus on work. I need to put more of an effort into my career. But I can’t. I’ve ignored these funky blues, pretended they weren’t happening, and now I’m just going to be a big girl and admit that yes, I am totally funked out. And today my funk manifested itself in the ultimate act of betrayal: my very yummy chicken burrito full of lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, cheese, burrito sauce and sour cream bottom-end exploded onto my brand new silk coral top and black silk skinny pants…I LOOK LIKE A BAG LADY, FOR GOODNESS SAKE and I am definitely going to have to spend the rest of the day on my chair pressed right up against my desk to hide this mess. This is not helping my funky blues at all…
But I’m not good at being still…and since I can’t concentrate on work anyway, I’m going to make one more attempt at breaking out of this funk. I’m going to do what almost always works and I pray, would not fail me now…I’m going to the shoe shop under my building!
I can feel the funk lifting as I step into the elevator…down, down, down…sniiiiffff inhale…pfhooooo exhale…’DING’ out I go.
Ahhh…I swear I feel lighter, there’s a bounce to my step. Whatever will I get? Cute pair of ballerinas or perhaps a pair of trendy sneakers to wear on the soccer field – the possibilities are endless! I walk in…to my absolute, and utter horror, however, I am confronted by one of my most hated songs – you know the one from your teenage years full of angst, revolution and the one that was the backdrop to a bad dumping or a wardrobe malfunction in high school. I feel heavy, worn. If I could cover my ears, curl up into fetal position and cry out of frustration, I would. But no, I’ll put on a brave face. I’m not giving up. This song will pass…and it does…except the next one is worse. I swear I lifted my arms up in total exasperation and stormed right out of the store.
Should they not be putting together song lists to INSPIRE purchases??? Who’s in charge here??? Why aren’t they playing any Britney Spears? Or J.Lo???!!
My funk has now taken a backseat to my anger. I need someone or something to BLAME for my funktastic mood…ah ha…Mother Nature.
I can trace my funk to this time of year, Spring, when we all come out of hibernation expecting renewal and change (lots of pretty flowers and warm breezes certainly seem like the perfect backdrop for some magic!) For me, spring also happens to be a time when I am once again evaluating and re-evaluating every aspect of my life…all while tackling the ultimate in mundane tasks: the multitude of baby clothes/toys/gear that I STILL have to get rid of, the flipping of my closet (and let’s be real, everyone else’s too) from fall/winter to spring/summer, the seven pounds I still have to shed before bikini season, the pedicure I still have to get, the tidying up of the garden and how I’m going to make sure that we get enough fruits and veggies in our diet…
This evaluation I put myself through is just so exhausting!! My brain hurts. There’s too much to think about. And I keep adding more to my list. As a side note, I’m not particularly gifted in any one thing, but I possess an incredibly high level of curiosity and sometimes ill-placed high level of confidence which have resulted in a deluded sense of capability. In other words, I think I can do anything but I can’t figure out what to do first!! This is just crippling…how do I dig myself out of this quicksand and get out of this funk????
Mother Nature…it’s not you…IT’S ME!!! Funk.
Originally written for Mother’s Day…
About 7 years ago, I was standing just outside “flower row” on Avenue Road. It was a very special Sunday, Mother’s day, and people were buying flowers for their mothers/sisters/grandmothers/aunts/wives. Meanwhile, for me it was just a typical downtown Sunday, where I had just come from having a very satisfying meal at one of my favourite brunch places, looking every bit the rotund mother-to-be…43 pounds more heavy, 6 weeks pre-baked, prego lady…the perfect subject for a feel-good TV interview piece about Mother’s Day.
A reporter got one look at me and ran right over, practically salivating! She prepped her cameraman (who also looked really excited but I think more because he could finally get his shot and get out of the madness) smoothed down her perfectly coiffed hair, and then turned to me. After a quick, three…two…one…the mic was in my face and… “Hi! We’re here in downtown Toronto on this very special day. It’s Mother’s Day! Miss, I mean, ma’am, tell me, how special is this day for you?” I stood there totally frozen. Why was this woman waiting for MY answer? I shrugged and said, “Well, it’s kind of not a day for me, is it? I mean, I’m just pregnant – I don’t have any kids yet, so I don’t really think of this day as anything especially meaningful.” At this point she looked at me like I was from outer space…and like she was about ready to tear my head off…so I added, “Umm…I mean, until I have this baby, I think this is still a day for my mom, not me. But I’m excited???” Cameraman and reporter both looked at me, mouths agape, shocked…incidentally, I didn’t make it on the 6 o’clock news…
Was she waiting for me to gush: “Awww…this is the best day. So amazing! I can’t wait to be a mother! I can’t wait to meet this little baby! I’m experiencing the miracle of life and it’s going to be the best thing EVER!” Well, that’s just not me…I never heard the birds chirping or saw the clouds part – I had no idea of what I was getting into…and how much I would change as a result…
Seven years later…it’s 11:15 pm. I just got home from work. I’ve had one of those days…in fact, more like one of those weeks! Up at the crack of dawn, drop one kid off at school, while my husband stayed at home and took care of the other (a big ball of ooze thanks to spring allergies and a cold), followed by a 15.5 hour stretch at work.
And the first thing I thought of when I came home? “Where’s my dinner?”
For anyone that’s seen the movie Pleasantville, there’s a scene in it where the father, a stereotypical 1950’s man that goes to work, while his “little woman” takes care of the house, makes marshmallow salads, and cares for the children, comes home and gets all snappy because things have been turned upside down, his wife has “seen the light” and hadn’t prepared dinner. I felt very much like this man – like everything I knew had been turned upside down.
Here I was clinging onto the middle rungs of the corporate ladder and during this latest stretch of work insanity, my husband’s the one making lunches, wiping noses, overseeing homework and having chats with the other moms in the parking lot! He’s the one who has become the centre of our home. He’s the one who knows where things are and what’s happened on Lego Ninjago. He’s the one they look for…
Don’t I want to be the one to take my kids to school, chat with the other moms in the parking lot and still have time to watch Bold and the Beautiful and do homework? But also, don’t I want to achieve something that’s just mine…leave my own mark?
Like the pendulum of the clock, I keep swinging back and forth and at close to 1:30 am in the early morning, I decide I’m done.
And I’m strangely satisfied. I remember that as a mom, I have the gift of continuously witnessing breaks in the time-space continuum – something I never saw before; moments, where I see myself in my kids’ laughter, tantrums, and surprise. I can almost feel them experiencing life as my heart quickens when I see their absolute joy or total devastation and I’m forever perplexed and amazed at how quickly the world becomes a better place after a simple hug, a high-five and a smile.
I wish I could go back and answer the question I was asked seven years ago, all over again. I would say to that reporter, here’s what Mother’s Day means to me: That although I still think this is still more of a day for my mom… that it would apply to me soon. That although I have no idea what I am getting into, I hope to do a good job and make sure that my kids will laugh loud, genuine laughs every day. But being a mom would not define me completely and I hope that my kids would also get to know me. After having said all of that, we’re just going to take things as they come, and figure things out as we go.
Humanity…never ceases to amaze
Champagne? Don’t mind if I do…ooh, it’s Cristal!!! Of course! Only the best for my uncle’s 65th birthday! I can’t believe it! This party is totally high class: great band, great food, fabulous looking people and just look at my dress! I’m wearing the most gorgeous black and white ballgown – it’s enormous! Fantastic! Magical! Ooh, and now I have a mask on. It’s a masquerade ball, oh how elegant! And my hair is so long and gorgeous and shiny. My lips are ruby red. I never want this to end…
Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. “Mommy, I cold. I wanna eat something. I wanna change.” These were the words of my 3 year old this morning…at 5:25 am!! A whole hour before my alarm was supposed to go off! And poof…there went the dream. I jumped out of bed and started walking with my eyes closed. Sensing my clumsiness, he held my fingers with his little hand and guided me to his room…at which point I was really debating a detour to the bathroom given my sense of urgency! But he’s one of the loves of my life, trusts me implicitly, loves me unconditionally, and I would never let him down. So on I went.
This was a morning like every other – preceded by a typical Wednesday night (Survivor night!) Tired mom, comes home from work, rushes to get kids fed and ready for swimming classes. Then back home, bathe them, feed them again (I swear they are machines), read one a bedtime story and then the other, then run downstairs for some QT with my cutie! Forget that I haven’t had dinner – a handful of almonds, the rest of that half-eaten Aero bar and some fruit gummies will suffice.
In any case, after my “rude awakening” this morning, I was treated with the gift of walking to the subway by myself and the luxury of buying a latte before hopping on the train – no kids to take to school, no bags to pack and no lunches to make! Had I won the lottery??? Yes sir!
And there I was, latte in hand, watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn on my iPhone (for the fourth or fifth time) when suddenly I started to feel like I lost my breath. My head started to get very, very warm – my body actually felt like it was on fire. I put my hand on my chest and it felt very cold and clammy. My legs felt like they couldn’t support me – I felt dizzy – I couldn’t think – what was I going to do? With what strength I could muster, I squeezed my way off the extremely overcrowded train and as I was walking, I started to feel tingles and like my surroundings were just fading away…
Luckily I made it to a bench and put my head between my knees. And the next thing I remember was being so grateful for the humanity of the two women on either side of me. There I was, a complete stranger (albeit well dressed in my cute little summer dress, faux snake skin ballet flats, and gold hoop earrings) looking ready to be sick or pass out; perhaps a great inconvenience or a complete lunatic. And in my most vulnerable state, these two women didn’t appear at all worried about who I was or what I might do to them. They didn’t think about whether or not they knew me, trusted me or whether they could get something from me. They just wanted to help. They just wanted to make sure I was ok.
All I could think of while I tried to regroup and pull myself together to get back on the train was how I could repay their kindness…and how I regret not asking for their names.
It’s times like these that really make me feel grateful. That help me to forget about all the craziness in our world today: from pressure cooker bombs, to injustices, and perpetual inequality. It also helps me to forget about the little things – if only I was 7 pounds lighter, if only my butt/arms/legs/stomach were more toned, if only I didn’t have soooo many greys (I do a good job of hiding this fact…most days). And it makes me feel connected outside of my immediate circle. It makes me feel like we’re all part of one big whole – which although has some ugly bits, is full of greatness too.
Whoever you were, the girl in the cute summer dress with the faux snakeskin ballet flats and gold hoops that almost fainted at the Bloor Street subway stop thanks you. Thank you for the reminder. I know that because of your kindness, your humanity, I was able to have a moment of weakness in a safe environment. And thanks to you, tonight, when I put my head down after a long day at work and after chasing my two boys around, I can continue my dream at the masquerade ball, unscathed.
The big “M”
A few weeks ago, after a very long day at work and longer evening at home, I found my husband at the computer reading intently. When I asked him what he was up to, he told me he was reading about midlife crises. Which got me thinking, isn’t that the time when middle-aged guys buy fancy (sport) cars and have affairs with (much) younger women? What on earth was HE doing reading about midlife crises…Oh. My. God. Was HE having a midlife crisis?? What does this mean???!!
Run upstairs, grab iPad, start research…FAST!
Psychology Today refers to midlife as: “Mortality and the idea that time is running out [which] can leave a middle-aged person feeling discontent and restless. Often this 40- to 60-year-old may have a need to reassess life and its meaning.”
Hang on then…does this mean that I might be having a mid life crisis? At thirty-X and fast approaching 40, am I middle aged? I mean, I have more laugh lines and crows feet than I used to, and sometimes I huff and puff after just a flight of stairs. Then there’s the music on the radio… sometimes it just sounds like noise. And just the other day, I was driving home from work and a bunch of kids were crossing the street in front of me and I can’t believe their choice in clothes these days – my mother would’ve never let me leave the house looking like that!
Uh oh, I’m feeling warm, I’m feeling agitated…and oh my goodness, restless!! I am in full, DEFCON 1 crisis mode!!!
I think I AM middle aged!! I mean, I don’t think I can even remember the last time I did anything spontaneously like tried to get into the latest, most hip lounge/bar/restaurant on a Saturday night after 10 pm that didn’t have any high chairs, kids menus or crayons….what does this all mean?
I continued my search for an answer when Google took me in a different direction. Apparently, in today’s kinder, gentler lexicon, we should no longer be referring to a midlife crisis as a “crisis”, but rather as a transition – a period of tremendous growth. Transition? Really?
I admit, I’ve been searching for how to leave my mark…searching for something more. I ask myself regularly, have I done all that I want to do? Achieved all that I want to achieve? Should I just be content with where I’m at??? And then there’s the list. You know…THAT list. The one we all have. And if you’re anything like me, you have a few of those lists: categorized, colour-coded, time sequenced…the works. I haven’t even started to knock items off MY list!
And now I’m middle aged??? I’m going through a midlife crisis?! I mean…transition? I’m so confused. I yearn for the past when things were simpler. The present seems so overwhelming and don’t even get me started about the future – positively, terrifying!
And wait, I didn’t even bring this up…my husband did. The big “M” has infected my household!!!!
It’s all starting to make sense now. Seemingly, out of nowhere, my husband decides that it was important to get in touch with his Scottish roots before he dies – he’s 41 and healthy as a horse. For him, that means learning to play bagpipes. Not guitar (mmm…sexy), or drums (cool), or even the piano (hello)…bagpipes. See, when my husband was just a young boy, his mom would take him to a sweet, little old lady’s house for piano lessons. She would pull into the piano teacher’s driveway to drop him off, and then he would have to make his own way home. But instead of going in, my husband would sneak around to the side of the house, wait until his mother’s car was gone, and then kill time wandering around the neighbourhood for an hour. This went on for weeks!!
And right now, at this very moment, my husband is “learning” to play his chanter (an instrument that looks like a long recorder but sounds like an elephant with a stuffy trunk) which he bought online and just arrived today. This instrument is to bagpipes, as a tricycle is to a bicycle…and, I mean no disrespect, I THANK GOD that we have not yet graduated to the real thing!
But NOW he practices. NOW he’s making up for lost time. And NOW I’m listening to the two other “chanter enthusiasts” try to get in on the act but daddy doesn’t want to share his precious new toy. So instead, I’m surrounded by the noise of none other than my own, “pop-up boy band” comprised of the chanter-to-be-bagpipe player, the guitarist, and the drummer.
Akh! I can’t think!
I have evaluated, re-evaluated and re-re-evaluated my purpose, my career, and “what I want to be when I grow up”. I have given up, picked myself up and continued my search for MY holy grail more times than I can remember.
And what have I learned? That the big “M” is indeed a transition. That it is ongoing…like learning to play the chanter. I’ve been through some of life’s most notable and trying times – all of which continue to shape who I am, and undoubtedly, who I will be. And while the chanter is now in the hands of my 3 year old, under the tutelage of my husband and accompanied by the loud stomps of my nearly 7 year old, and I still feel like I’m nowhere near figuring everything out, I know that I have now, this moment, this memory during my midlife, that despite all of my transitioning, I will never forget.
Time…it’s never on your side?
It’s 8:45 am…train’s at 9:25 am – plenty of time to park the car, run up to the office, change into my sleek heels for the closing lunch, download files onto my laptop, go to the washroom, and casually walk to the train station right?
8:46 am…parking ticket in mouth, laptop bag on one shoulder, purse in hand, keys in other hand…oooh, I should grab my coffee cup and chuck it in the garbage too instead of leaving it to rot in my freshly detailed car…CRAP!!! The coffee cup tipped forward and coffee has trickled down my right sleeve, then the cup falls in—total—slow—motion…there’s coffee all over my carseats and floor!! Oh no!! Oooh, but I have baby wipes! Problem solved.
A quick clean up later and I’m in the elevator on my way up to the office. Ahhhh….the only place in my life that’s JUST MINE. No toys, no clothes or socks all over the floor, no one whining for my attention or asking me where this is or that is. A real escape…
Oh. My. God. It’s 9:05 and I need at least 12 minutes to get to the train station. RUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
This was my Monday morning. And it seems to be the norm for me lately. I’m always in a rush and seemingly out of touch with time!
Take my 6 year old’s hockey games. The hockey rink is like my church. I go there…because I have to. Because it’s for a greater cause. Because I have faith that my son could be a great hockey player if he just cared enough. So I get up every Saturday morning, feed my son breakfast, fight over the importance and merits of sticking to something that you started (this time and for the purposes of this entry, hockey lessons) and fumble my way through a myriad of equipment: neck guard, chest and shoulder pad, elbow pads, shin guards, the jock cup (this one always makes us laugh), the socks, shorts and jersey…and then those blasted skates! Why can’t they just be Velcro??? I have broken more nails than I can count putting those things on! And if it’s not a broken nail it’s the “lace burn” (akin to a rope burn) that kills me. Those things are like weapons! Trying to get a 6 year old boy to stand still, and then trying to get leverage to lace up the skate all while worrying about slicing your femoral artery – akh, the stress level!!!
And then once again, I’ve taken much longer to get all the gear on than anticipated. And this means, of course, that I have less than 5 minutes to get to the arena. And I still have to get dressed myself! So I wind up at the rink with a t-shirt and (gratefully a bra), jeans, uggs and whatever jacket happens to be hanging by the door – and most of the time it’s my ratty “take the garbage out” jacket which is only a jacket in name and should really just be called a robe as I use it mostly to cover myself when I’m taking out the garbage in my PJs so as not to miss the garbage collection!! So I’m freezing as I haven’t even bothered with socks and am walking my son onto the ice thinking about then sitting down in the “warm area” for 35 minutes of spacing out (we missed the first 15 minutes of practice, you see) when my son looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, “you’re going to stand over here and watch me the whole time, right?” Oh boy.
Of course I comply. And now that we’re where we need to be, doing what we need to do, I need time to go by. But time’s just not going to cooperate with me, is it?
I watch the clock. It feels like hours have gone by…but no. Just 4 minutes. Can it be? I’m completely frozen. My bum has officially turned rock hard from the cold (not the 10 squats I squeezed in last night for the first time in a month). I swear I can no longer feel my fingers or toes and I feel like my nose is going to fall off. Just 4 minutes?!!??!
Why wasn’t time moving at THIS pace when I was trying to catch my train? Get out the door in the morning? Get the kids to school before the bell? Sheesh.
And yet, sometimes, only sometimes, time really shows you what it’s worth when you’re going at just the right pace. When you don’t hit the snooze button at all and get up when the alarm clock buzzes at the crack of dawn. When you catch the subway right before rush hour, pick up a latte and croissant, and make it to your desk with more than seconds to spare. When you get home, finish dinner and homework and find you can still squeeze in a funny movie, a quick catch up phone call or coffee, or play with the kids before bedtime. It’s pure magic.
So now, I’m feeling the magic. For just one more hour I get to sit here, on my train ride home, the sun is shining outside, I’m playing my favourite tunes, relaxing and I have absolutely nothing else to do. Time and I are going at the same pace and though I know we’ll inevitably be out of sync as soon as the train pulls into the station, and I pull out my car keys to race home and get dinner on the table and start homework, I have now.